My fight for every father

This is an amazing story. It illustrates what a father must go through to stay involved with his children if his ex allows lawyers to make the arrangements ...and if matters ever are resolved its because the parents decided to make their own decisions. After all, until the laws are changed to protect children from parent exclusion, there is no limit to a lawyer's power to denigrate and destroy a child's father (or sometimes a mother) if they are being funded.
(Outcry)

My fight for every father
By TESSA CUNNINGHAM, Daily Mail

08:28am 4th July 2006

It cost his home, his job and his freedom. But this week Simon won
the right to see his daughter AND a £20,000 battle to reveal the
details of the case. Now, other parents can lift the secrecy that
too often mars family courts:

Exchanging proud glances as they cheer daughter Esti on at her
school sports day, Aneta and Simon Clayton look like any other happy
couple. As Esti reaches the finishing line, Simon whoops for joy and
Aneta runs to hug their daughter. Esti, seven, looks the picture of
contentment.

Indeed, seeing the happy family it's hard to believe these devoted
parents are actually divorced. It's even harder to believe that just
three years ago they were embroiled in a custody battle so vicious
it hit the headlines when

Simon, driven to breaking point by their bitter feud, fled abroad
with Esti. Police launched an international manhunt and overnight
the couple's domestic tragedy was being played out in the newspapers
and on television. Weeping Aneta gave a string of interviews,
begging for Esti's safe return. Police blanketed European holiday
spots with 'Wanted' posters. Holidaymakers were urged to report
sightings.

Finally, after six nailbiting weeks, Simon was arrested at gun-point
in Portugal. After two months in a squalid Faro prison, he was
extradited to Britain to stand trial. He pleaded guilty to child
abduction and was jailed for nine months. By that stage the warring
couple couldn't even agree on the time of day.

One would have thought their relationship would be completely
unsalvageable. Far from it. They now have a model divorce. And their
extraordinary agreement over Esti could serve as a template for
other divorced parents. Until now, family court proceedings have
always taken place behind closed doors. But after winning a landmark
ruling in the High Court last week, both Simon, 44, and Aneta, 32,
can talk about their ground-breaking arrangements.

The judgment will have far-reaching effects and now mothers and
fathers whose children are taken away from them - be it by ex-
partners or social services - will be able to ask for media coverage
of their plight. 'Ours was just an ordinary little case at the
outset,' says Simon. 'But it got totally out of control once lawyers
got involved. My story should be a warning to every parent. I'm
elated I can now expose the hell our family suffered. I had to keep
on fighting for all the men like me, men who have lost their hope.'

He believes that by putting what were effectively secret hearings
into the open, injustices can be exposed or prevented. Not only do
the Claytons share every aspect of Esti's care equally, the child
even has her own bill of rights - of which more later. She's
encouraged to love both parents equally while they promise only to
look for the good in each other. A tall order for most parents - let
alone for this couple.

Parent charter

After three years of hell, it's a charter made in heaven - but it
wasn't forged without sacrifices. 'I lost my home and my job and ran
up legal bills of more than £20,000,' says Simon. 'It's affected
every aspect of my life. I'd love to remarry and have more children,
but while this was going on, how could I commit?'

Simon was working as a pilot when he met Aneta, who now lives in
Brecon with her new partner Terry, during a stopover in Warsaw in
May 1997. 'She was working in the bookshop of the hotel and we got
talking,' he says. 'We bonded very quickly. She was pretty and
vivacious with a stunning figure and beautiful long brown hair. We
seemed to have a lot in common. We both love reading and simple
pleasures such as walks in the country.'

Simon returned to his cottage outside Hay-on-Wye. When Aneta
followed for a holiday shortly afterwards, their romance rapidly
intensified. 'With hindsight it was all too fast but, as Aneta
didn't have a visa to stay in Britain, the pressure was on,' says
Simon. 'We married in December 1997 and within three months Aneta
was pregnant. 'It was a happy accident. Women admit their body
clocks are ticking. Well, men's can too. I've always wanted
children. I had an idyllic childhood in North Wales, where my father
was an architect and my mother a housewife.'

Aneta had enjoyed a traditional Roman Catholic childhood in a small
Polish town - her father was a policeman and her mother also a
housewife - and was delighted to be a mum. Esti was born on December
28, 1998. 'Her birth blew me away,' Simon says. 'As a pilot I had
enjoyed an enchanted life. I travelled the globe and even spent a
year as a private pilot for the rock group Iron Maiden. But nothing
compared to the exhilaration of being a dad. I knew I'd been given
the greatest gift — and the most important job on earth.'

Determined to spend time with his new family, Simon quit his job.
The couple set up a bookshop in Hay-on-Wye so they could spend
quality time with Esti. 'We did everything equally. I changed at
least as many nappies as Aneta,' Simon says.

Unravelling marriage

But, while they were united in adoring their baby, their
relationship quickly unravelled. Struggling with the language and
isolated in their country cottage, Aneta felt lonely and bored. Soon
they were rowing constantly.

In April 2000, when Esti was just 16 months old, they separated,
divorcing two years later. At first things were amicable. Simon
stayed in the marital home so he could maintain the business. Aneta
and Esti moved into a rented home nearby. They agreed to share
childcare.

'We were devastated that our marriage was over. The last thing we
wanted was for Esti to come from a broken home,' says Simon. 'But
despite all the sadness, I was convinced we could stay friends. We
hadn't had affairs. We hadn't been violent. We had simply fallen out
of love.

'I assumed we would have a civilised divorce and organise childcare
as we'd always done - equally. We were such good friends I even
helped Aneta pack and drove her to her new home.'

To help arrange their divorce both hired lawyers - a decision that
within months was to turn their relationship into raging warfare.

'The second you hire lawyers you throw petrol on the problem,' says
Simon, who not surprisingly now campaigns for fathers'
rights . 'Little niggles get magnified. Solicitors want to make
money - it's in their interests to keep the dispute going.

'We would have silly tit-for-tat rows. If I was late to pick Esti up
one day, Aneta might punish me by being late the next time, but left
to our own devices we could have worked that out. Instead I'd
receive an insensitive, rude letter from her solicitor reprimanding
me. Then my lawyer would send her one. I don't blame Aneta and I
know she doesn't blame me. We were pawns.

'But the toll on my health was terrible. Every morning I'd feel sick
to the stomach when the post arrived - wondering what horror I'd
find next.'

Despite all their problems, Esti was still sharing half her time
with each parent. However, as the couple couldn't agree the finer
details, their lawyers advised a court hearing. And it was then that
the situation rapidly deteriorated. Aneta was advised to seek sole
custody of Esti, allowing Simon regular contact. She was told this
was standard procedure for mothers.

'The bottom fell out of my world,' says Simon. 'Esti was three-and-a-
half. All her life we had shared her care equally. She had two
bedrooms, two sets of clothes and two lots of toys. She had the best
of both worlds. At my home she played with her ferret, Fifi. At
Aneta's she played with Barbie dolls.

'But my lawyer told me that any decision would be entirely down to
the judge. Our little girl's future was out of our hands. Anything
could happen.

'From that moment I never slept properly. Every time I saw Esti I
wondered if it would be the last happy time we'd enjoy. It was a
living hell. I kept begging Aneta to sort things out between us but
she wouldn't listen.'

Eventually, Aneta became so tired of Simon's anguished letters that
her lawyer advised her to cut off all communication. And then, on
April 9, 2003 - just a week before a final court hearing to decide
Esti's future - Simon made his fateful decision.

Vanished

He booked a one-way ferry ticket from Portsmouth to Caen, in France,
and vanished with Esti, then four.

When Aneta arrived three days later to pick Esti up, she found the
house deserted and a note from Simon saying he had gone on holiday
for three weeks to spend some quality time with their daughter. She
was distraught.

'I feel very guilty about it now,' admits Simon. 'It was a moment of
madness. But I never intended to alarm Aneta and I certainly wasn't
kidnapping Esti. I just wanted to get away with her and clear the
air.

'I love travelling. In the past, I'd taken Esti backpacking around
America and North Africa, but relations between Aneta and me had
deteriorated so badly, I knew it would be utterly impossible to
agree holiday dates without months of lawyers' letters.

'Aneta knew I'd been planning a holiday in Europe. She also knew I
only ever booked one-way ferry tickets. It never occurred to me
she'd imagine I had abducted our daughter.'

That wasn't how Aneta saw it. She appeared on TV, begging the public
to help return her daughter. 'If you know where she is, please
contact me. Esti's missing me. It's time for her to come back home,'
she sobbed.

Driving through France, Spain and Portugal in his VW camper van,
Simon claims he was oblivious to the distress he was causing Aneta,
or the manhunt back home. But surely he must have known how
distressed the child's mother would have been. Moreover, having said
he'd be gone three weeks, he remained on the Continent for twice
that long. Who knows if he would ever have come home, had he not
been spotted by a British holidaymaker in a tiny fishing village in
the Algarve.

Esti was paddling in the sea when police pounced. 'A policeman
smashed me to the ground and stuck a gun in my head,' says
Simon. 'It was like something out of Miami Vice. When he told me, in
broken English, that I was being arrested for kidnap, I was in
shock.'

Simon was bundled into a police car. Esti, still in her wet bathing
suit, followed in another car. At the police station Simon was
allowed a final goodbye before Esti was whisked off to spend the
night with a social worker before being reunited with Aneta. Simon
wasn't to see his daughter for 12 months.

'Standing in the police station, saying goodbye, I was determined
not to scare Esti,' says Simon. 'I cuddled her and brushed her hair -
it was still matted from the sea.

'For the only time in her life I lied to her. I said that I was ill
and needed to go to hospital and that she would be spending the
night with a kind lady. Her lower lip wobbled but she tried to be
brave for my sake. I thought my heart was going to break.'

Simon spent the next two months in a cell at Faro jail. 'The
conditions were like a scene from Midnight Express - three of us
were banged up for 20 hours a day in a cell barely two metres each
way. Our toilet was a bucket in the corner.

'There was no fan and the heat reached 50 degrees. I thought I was
going to die. I'd never even had a parking ticket. I was in a
hellhole, all because I loved my daughter.'

Devastated by the distress he'd caused Aneta, Simon sent her a
letter of apology. But she was so angry, she didn't even respond.
Extradited to England after two months, Simon pleaded guilty to
child abduction and was sentenced to nine months in jail. Taking
into account the time he'd served in Portugal and on remand it meant
spending another two months in prison.

'I kept thinking I'd wake up and find it was all a dream,' he
says. 'I could have beaten someone half to death and had a lighter
sentence. But I was advised to plead guilty to save the stress of a
full-blown court case which might have involved Esti being called as
a witness.

'In jail, conditions were utterly terrifying. The queue for
methadone - a heroin replacement for addicts - was longer than the
lunch queue. I couldn't sleep at night for the howls of inmates half-
crazed as they went cold turkey.

'I blocked my mind to Esti. I didn't have a single photo of her in
my cell. I knew if I thought about her, I'd go to pieces. It was a
living bereavement.'

Homeless and jobless

Simon was finally released on December 1, 2003. He was homeless,
jobless and with a prison record. Now he faced a further custody
battle to gain access to Esti.

Finally, in April 2004 - a year after last seeing her - he was
allowed a few hours with her. But he was banned from being alone
with her in case he tried to abduct her.

'Esti had grown three inches. I'd missed her fifth birthday and
Christmas so I'd brought her loads of presents - a doll's house and
set of farm animals,' he recalls. 'She was really shy at first. I
started talking about her pets and gradually she warmed.'

But Simon was still determined to fight for shared care. His hopes
seemed slim, but in July 2005, Simon and Aneta found themselves at
the High Court in Cardiff for a final hearing. Against all the odds,
over two days the couple thrashed out an agreement.

'It was actually Aneta's barrister, Anthony Kirk QC, who suggested
it,' Simon says. 'Until then we'd been at loggerheads. But he helped
us draw up an agreement which put Esti first and acknowledged that
we both loved her and both agreed it was in her best interests to
have a mum and a dad in her life.

'For the first time, Aneta and I could see we were on the same side -
working for our beloved daughter. It was a minor miracle.'

'Bill of Rights'

The couple also agreed a special 'Bill of Rights' for Esti. She's
encouraged to love both parents equally and both parents promise not
to use her as a pawn in any disagreements.

'I couldn't believe we'd done it,' says Simon. 'Afterwards Aneta and
I even had a meal together. The bitterness evaporated. It's been a
year now and our arrangement works like a dream. Esti has separate
bedrooms and full sets of clothes at both houses, which are 23 miles
apart. She spends one week at my house, one at Aneta's.

'We are flexible. My father died a few weeks ago from a heart
condition. Aneta willingly agreed Esti could come to his funeral
although it was during "her" time.

'Esti has two very different worlds. At my home she goes riding and
for long walks. I don't have a TV so we read a lot. At Aneta's she
enjoys shopping and catching up on the soaps.

'Despite our terrible history, Esti is remarkably unaffected. She's
self-confident and outgoing with a wicked sense of humour. Most of
all, she feels deeply loved.

'Aneta and I talk regularly. When Esti has a doctor's appointment we
go together. My only anger is with lawyers. Countless parents -
usually fathers - suffer as I have. But our case shows there can be
a better way.'